my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
