I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
