I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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