The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
