Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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