So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And then he peed in my hair
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