The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think a kid would responsible me up
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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