My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
