Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
