a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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