At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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