I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
