I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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