Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
