The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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