her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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