I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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