Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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