they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
