He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
