idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
