You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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