Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
