just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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