oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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