I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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