im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
