I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
