i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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