I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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