it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
