White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
