I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
