Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
