I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
