Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
