I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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