the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
