Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
