He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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