I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
