I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
