I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
