I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
