I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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