Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
