Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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