Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
