Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
