Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
