i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
