I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
